This Halloween, I took a rather DIY approach to my costume, although I drew the line at fabricating my own plastic lobster from scratch. But if I had wanted to take a ready-made approach to my art, there were some great options this year. Consider the following costume package, which was brought to my attention (and bought for me from Goodwill) by Burning Building contributor Steven Aguilar.

Behold:


I'll give you a moment to take it all in.



So, let's examine this.

GEAK
Instant

Not "Instant Geak" mind you, but "Geak Instant". Sounds kinda prosey, almost, like, "...and in that geak instant, he realized that he did not know how to spell basic words..."
(Actually, that's very close-minded and xenophobic-American of me, "geak" is probably the European spelling)

So what we have here are glasses, ugly teeth, and a bow tie, or "Cravat" as the package calls it. And in the middle, we have a little carboard square with a bold-font description of the costume. There it is, right there in the package: EACH KIT OF TOOTH THING OF THE BIG IN SIMPLETON

Ahem.

Ok. So, is this some kind of word-puzzle? A bonus word-scramble game included with the costume? Let's move on.

So we've seen the very perplexing front of the package. Let's turn it around to see if there's anything there that might enlighten us.

The back of the package is blank white cardboard with the following astonishing description, reproduced here, I swear to God, verbatim, with key passages in bold:

Important information of the product:

Dasini MAKEUP can use for every occasion (Disco, Vocal concert) sports events (football team, baseball team) and other feast day (All Saints Day, Dionysia, Easter Sunday) soiree, it will give you create the infinite vital force, there are colors to suit pretty well every time, have a lot of fun for you and your friends. Get creativity with this fun makeup--your designs can be as simpLe or intricate as you like! Exert your creativity, creat inDiVidual designs! Everything you need to create yourself.

I almost have no words right now.

So, basically...let me see if I've got this right. This Geak Simpleton costume has colors to suit pretty well every time. So, therefore, if I'm sitting there in church on Easter Sunday dressed as a Geak, or I'm in ancient Greece in the temple celebrating Dionysia dressed as a Geak, or maybe I'm just enjoying a vocal concert or a football team (or baseball team!) dressed as a Geak, no matter what the circumstance, my creative individual designs made with this set of glasses, teeth, and Cravat, will give me create the Infinite Vital Force.

AWESOME.

So, let's see if it works shall we? I open the package and immediately put on the bowtie/cravat. I'm feeling Geakier already. Next I put on the teeth. They feel exactly like those things they put on you at the dentist for administering Apple Cinnamon flavored Flouride Gel. They most assuredly contain high levels of lead-based paint. Next I examine the "nerdy glasses". But as you may have noticed in the picture, these glasses look nothing like their Geak example photo. They are not big horn rim glasses with tape in the middle, they're actually just black sunglasses with shaded lenses. They are in fact, Cool Shades! So, here is the finished product:


Here we have it. Not so much a geak, in my opinion. More like a classy-dressing Orc with very tiny Cool Shades, on his way to a Hollywood afterparty.
But what's that...? That feeling...rising up from the deepest depths of my being...Is it...? Yes! It's the INFINITE VITAL FORCE! The costume works! The power is mine! I will live forever, or something! Thank you, Geak Instant! Now I have everything I need to creat myself!

BE CAREFUL, ISAAC. I HAD THE INFINITE VITAL FORCE ONCE, AND AS YOU MAY RECALL I ACCIDENTALLY BECAME ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE AND DESTROYED YOUR WEBSITE.

Oh I remember, Blue Space. But I will not suffer the same fate. My mind is far more powerful than yours, I can easily contain the raging energies of the Infinite Vital Force without losing control and becoming an insane and destructive cosmic entity like you did.

....

What? You don't think I can?

WELL, ISAAC, I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE NOT A REASONABLY SMART HUMAN FELLOW, BUT THE INFINITE VITAL FORCE IS VERY...FORCEFUL. IT OVERCAME ME, AND I'VE HAD THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH COSMIC ENERGIES. YOU'VE HAD...25 YEARS EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH...WELL, NOTHING.

Blue Space! You mock my powers! I possess the I.V.F! I will make an example of you that will cause future civilizations to tremble!

HOW?

By smiting you! With allergies! Allergies to cashews!

I DON'T EVEN LIKE CASHEWS.

And you better not ever change your mind! Because you will get such a rash!

I HAVEN'T EATEN A CASHEW SINCE I WAS 450. I HATE CASHEWS. THEY HAVE A GREASY, SICKLY-SWEET FLAVOUR.

Blue Space, you're disrespecting my new godlike status. I will not allow your impertinence to go unpunished, ok? I'm going to bring in a third party to deliver your punishment, someone who you will know means business.

WAIT. DONT.

Blue Space, present your defense to the ultimate judge of humanity, Senator Pablo McDougal.

hello from again a lot of time!! It has been a forever to the last time we talked, Isaac and Blue Spaces! Coming out for retirement of one lasting heist! REally? Yes!! it was true!

I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU.

laughlaughlaugh, Blue Space is always for a joking, just like somone who makes many joke! But funny times are short supplies now, since I was inviting here to provide a special punishing to stupid dumb blue talking guy. I will do it! Punishment was always my stock in trades! Just ask my Russian Bride! laughlaugh, laughing. Make domestic abuse, not war! it is for much better than conflicts in the middle East!!

THIS IS EXCESSIVE, ISAAC. PLEASE TAKE HIM AWAY.

i will always take Inifite Vital Force, and destroy many preconceptions about myself, as well as homes and civilians! haha, not a truism, I am never killing people because it is up against the law. If not--I make killing all the time instead of watch TV! hahaha, for much more realism than TV action show. Do you know?? it is a bad shame that things are unlegal. Everything fun is not allowed!!! it is a complaint that I have. Any way, now I am arranged to control Infinite Vital Force and strike down Blue Face, because to do Isaac's request! Get arranged, Blue Face! Arrange yourself to be punish of severity!

I'M LEAVING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN COME HERE. THE PAY IS NOT WORTH THE COMMUTE, MUCH LESS THE PARKING FEES, MUCH LESS THE ACTUAL WORK.




Hmm. He left, Pablo.

A good punishing was delivered promtply! Within 2-6 business days? Of course!! Blue Face was made to disappear, who knows what happened to his! probablhy very bad, we can hope!! maybe hit by a fast truck walking over street! We can hope he became killed!

Well, I guess this can count as a punishment. Thanks Pablo.

welcome to you're welcome, Isaac!!!!1! I am to go back to Senate now, my job is to be the Senator for the Washingtown state, it is the best of work, because i am always for getting money and buying cars of extreme expense! BMU sport car and sometimes Peace Car, the most expensive car made for Peace Symbol! S-Class! Animal skin on all seat and surface, of course, black interior. Respect my roots, like for the hippie movement I always supported. Senator is distantly better than grocery store clerk, way higher money and no one bothering me when make angry love with Russian Bride on Senate Floor. You know the phrase to be said, "When Senate Floor is a-rocking, don't come nearby!" hahahahaha, laugh.

Goodbye Pablo. Always good to see you.

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