Today is Martin Luther King day, so you probably have the day off to stay home and think about civil rights. It's a good holiday. Seems a bit racist, though, doesn't it, that we celebrate this holiday, which is the official holiday for black people, by not going to our jobs? Hmm, thought we wouldn't catch that, U.S Government?

But anyway, since we get to slack off work today, I thought we should learn a little about the man who this holiday is celebrating, the one and only Martin Luther King Jr.


Martin Luther King Jr, or "MLK" as he is affectionately abbreviated, ruled the ancient city of Byzantium from 105 to 230 A.D, and was in fact the first African American to hold office in the ancient Roman world. This played a significant role in changing attitudes about African Americans across the ancient world, and even to this day many countries in Africa are controlled by and largely populated by African Americans.

Although MLK ruled Byzantium for 125 years, (He changed the city's name several times during his rule, trying out various options such as Happytown, Kickassville, and Arlington, before finally settling on Constantinople) he is best known for his legendary exploits as a young man. Specifically, the Thirty Four Labors which he supposedly accomplished in order to win the hand of a beautiful Greek princess. These labors were similar to the famous Twelve Labors of Hercules, except there were thirty-four of them.

Unfortunately, the stories behind many of the Labors have been lost to history, as they tended to be less sensational than those of Hercules. Some of the better known tasks include digging a really deep hole for no reason, standing on one foot for over two hours, killing a pig, and painting "Rome Sucks, Fuk Rome" on a major Roman highway overpass.

In later years when asked why people didn't remember most of his feats anymore, MLK admitted that thirty-four Labors was probably a few too many Labors to make a really compelling legend, as it was a bit much for the people's attention span. Nevertheless, MLK did accomplish all thirty-four tasks, and won the princess's hand, which he dried and kept strung on a necklace for the rest of his life. MLK is probably one of the most well-known African American severed-hand fetishists.

So that's the story of Martin Luther King Jr. Even if you can't remember all 34 of his legendary feats, you can still kick back with a cold beer and soak up the winter sun on a day you'd normally be working. And you'd better NOT be working. It doesn't matter what your job is or how much holiday pay they're offering you. Anyone who works on MLK Day is a racist.

Now I will leave you to contemplation, aided by a little song by my good friend Jared, entitled MLKJR DAY



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