A blog by Hector Shelfman (no relation to the painter) who looks like me and has the same job and life as me, but isn't.

Went to see Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince last night. NOT ACTUALLY TWO MOVIES, as it turns out. That�s just how the title is.

Now I haven't read any of the "books" but I have followed the movies, somewhat reluctantly. Went with my friends Erin and Tara, who are devout Harry Krishnas. They were rebuked by their brethren for seeing it with a LUKEWARM FAN like me, but I told them since I was a non-believer, this was a good opportunity to witness to me. The Lord did not come for the healthy but for the sick, and whatnot. THAT SHUT THEM UP.

Since Tara was recently crippled in a HORRIFIC SCRABBLE ACCIDENT, we sat in the row at the bottom of the slope section because it has plenty of leg room for her to stretch her crippled leg, which was recently crippled in a HORRIFIC SCRABBLE ACCIDENT.

As it turns out, the row directly in front of us was the Reserved For Handicaps Row, reserved for people who need EVEN MORE LEG ROOM. Unfortunately for everyone else in the theater, in addition to CRAZY AMOUNTS OF LEG ROOM, many of these individuals also require FRIGHTENING MECHANICAL WHEELCHAIRS that swivel and pump and somehow extend up and balance on two wheels like a Segway for people who can't walk or stand or breathe!
Throughout the entire film, these machines were clicking and whirring and hissing so loudly I thought I had accidentally attended TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. It was very bothersome during the QUIET, THOUGHTFUL, EMOTIONAL scenes between Harry
Potter and Dumbledor and Slughorn and Muggles and Hogwarts and various other unpalatable words that populate the Potter universe.

The noise of these disabled people's life support systems was seriously inconveniencing the movie audience!

I kept waiting for someone to go get an usher to come in and politely ask them to turn off their iron lungs for the remainder of the film, but NO ONE EVER DID.

The movie was actually very good and I liked it better than any of the previous ones. I heartily approve of the new direction taken by last couple installments, in which major conflicts are resolved by major characters taking actions that are actually relevant to the story, instead of by hastily introduced magical gadgets that neatly fix everything at the last minute, leaving room for the obligatory Quidditch match, which doesn't further the story but does provide the gang with some LIGHTHEARTED LEISURE ACTIVITY between sessions of being murdered by satanic warlocks trying to take over the world.

As you might guess, now that our heroes are entering their teenage years, this is a MORE MATURE, MORE ADULT Harry Potter film:

Athletes take performance enchancers! (They call it "Liquid Luck")

Children are taught how to use date rape drugs! ("Love Potion" does sound a lot nicer though...do you think the courts would agree...?)

And Harry proves that even though he has a small wand, he is still a TOP-TIER SEXUAL PREDATOR, as he racks up THREE LOVE INTERESTS in this film alone, making a grand total of FIVE CONQUESTS since the series began, if you count Hermione, which everyone should because SHE TOTALLY WANTS HIS HARRY BODY AND THEY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER WHICH IS OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WHOSE JUDGEMENT ISN'T CLOUDED BY READING THOSE BOOKS THESE MOVIES WERE SUPPOSEDLY BASED ON.

But since "J.K Rowling" won't allow Hermione to fulfill her obvious longings, the poor girl decides to SETTLE, and develops an IMPROBABLE ATTRACTION to Ron Weasly, offering hope to all the world's awkward, unconfident, nice but intellectually shallow and emotionally clueless goofballs who long for a super-serious, super-intense, humorless, tear-stained tangle of emotions to call their girlfriend.

This dawning of sexuality in the Potterverse is portrayed by multiple scenes of GRATUITOUS SNOGGING, and dozens of shocking depictions of Quidditch, THE MOST UNAPOLOGETICALLY PHALLIC SPORT EVER:

All in all, an enjoyable movie that may even convince me to "read" the series in Audiobook form over the course of a year or so of driving. I am very much looking forward to the final two (or is it four?) films in the series: Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One, and Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part Two, which should bring the epic saga to a stunning conclusion just before Daniel Radcliff's male pattern baldness becomes noticeable. It's even rumored that at least one of the several African American characters may get a speaking line somewhere in the final films, but this may turn out to be just another UNFULFILLED BARACK OBAMA PROMISE.



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