For the past four or five months, something has been growing inside my eye.
I am part Frenchie, so I have those good ol' dark circles under my eyes, which are always a little bit puffy, but one day I noticed my right eyelid was a little bit puffier than the left.
I thought this was odd, but didn't have the time or money to deal with it, so I ignored it. Gradually my right eyelid got puffier and puffier until eventually it was really really puffy. Also it itched and hurt and scared me a lot. So yesterday I finally went to an eye doctor to find out what sort of alien creature was incubating inside my eyeball.
Figuring I would just be doing a checkup consultation, I decided to go to the clinic on foot. The doctor checked out the situation and told me I had a "chalazion", which is a sort of cyst that forms around a blocked tear gland. It's pronounced "chill-LAZ-in'" which is like "chillaxin'" but weirder and more painful.
The doctor surprised me by offering to cut me open right then and there. He said the procedure would be quick and simple and mostly painless. Mostly being the key word here, as I soon found out.
The doctor put me in this big scary metal chair with stirrups for my feet, and leaned me back. He put a paper shroud over my face, which was creepy. Then he cut out a square around my right eye, which was creepier. He poured something that felt like vodka in my eye, which was supposed to numb the eyeball by getting it drunk. Then he rubbed some stuff that felt like whiskey on my eyelids, which was supposed to numb them by getting them drunk. Then he stuck a needle into my eyelids, which was supposed to numb them more. This hurt a lot. But not as much as when he jammed some sort of metal clamp into my eye socket and pried my eyelids open, Clockwork Orange style. This was fucking excruciating. But not as fucking excruciating as when he sliced open my lower eyelid and started scraping out the cyst with some sort of tiny sharp garden hoe.
You know at the dentist, when they put that little mirror in your mouth and then stab and scrape and poke at your teeth with that little metal icepick to clean out the plaque? This was just like that, but inside my eye.
So needless to say, this was quite a bit more horror than I was expecting from this appointment. If I'd have known I'd be reenacting a "Saw" movie that evening, I probably would have driven to the clinic instead of walking, because it was a little bit awkward stumbling through the heart of Seattle with my eyes cloudy white from antibiotic gel and crying big tears of blood like some kind of demon hellspawn from hell.
I feel much better now, though.