Is there any food in the world with more size gradations than Shredded Wheat?

Frosted Mini Wheats are certainly the most popular, so much that most people forget there was ever a non miniaturized Wheat. But there was, and is.

In fact, Mini Wheats are the third largest Wheat. And there is now also a Wheat even smaller than Mini, a seemingly impossible feat of wheat engineering called the Mini Wheat Nano Little Bite. Then, moving up the scale from the standard Mini Wheat, we have the Mini Wheat Big Bite, whose self-contradictory name seems to have been caused by an explosion at the marketing factory when they couldn't figure out how to demarcate the two sizes while still retaining the popular "Mini Wheat" branding.
Then there's the original, the one you rarely see in stores anymore, lurking in the dusty shadows of cereal history, the big daddy that your granddaddy probably used to eat with a knife and fork with no sugar or honey or fruit, soaked in rat's milk from pregnant dead rats he caught in a rat trap he built by hand:


(*"fucking" added for dramatic emphasis)

There's no denying this stuff is impressive--the size! The sheer un-mini-ness of it!--but why was this cereal ever created? Who thought giant bricks of wheat that don't even fit in a bowl was a good idea? And why has Kellogg's been apologizing to us for 50-some years by inventing ever-smaller iterations of Wheats? It's one of the many mysteries of the cereal industry, which has always been shrouded in weirdness.

Since I figure a lot of people reading this blog will be trying to figure out the intended purpose of all the different sizes of wheats, trying to understand the pros and cons of each size in order to determine which one is right for them, I've included this image comparing all four, with a bottle of Sriracha for scale, since I don't have any pop cans, which are the traditionally accepted unit of size in America.

Note that the Mini Wheat Little Bite is not appreciably "littler" than the standard Mini Wheat, indicating that making truly "little" wheats is not physically possible and this new size was created purely to satisfy one of the rarer OCD compulsions known to psychology: "cereal shrinking", the irrational need to constantly invent, produce, and market smaller and smaller cereals.



Post a Comment